


The Comparative Horrors of Modern Dating

by topcatnikki



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Bad dates, Chris POV, Compare, Horror, LLYOIBing, M/M, Makka is the real MVP, Phichicometti if you squint, Slice of Life, but i hella love them okay?, garden, im glad we're all in agreement, no zamboni were harmed in the making of this ficlet, they're my bois fite me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 04:37:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14097366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/topcatnikki/pseuds/topcatnikki
Summary: It was a ritual of theirs, this piling of mutual sorrows over shared cheesecake and coffee, blossoming out of their lack of support from partners past. It began, as these things so often do, in a dive bar with nineties bubblegum pop playing in the background, far too happy for their morose states. They lamented their partners of the time, one Phillipe who had halitosis and no regard for Vitya’s feelings and a Karl who was just an ignorant git at the best of times and outright horrifying at the worst. They shared stories, each trying to one up the other, and finally, too drunk to care anymore they’d ended up happily dancing the night away and laughing it off with the Spice Girls cheering them on.





	The Comparative Horrors of Modern Dating

**Author's Note:**

  * For [izzyisozaki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/izzyisozaki/gifts), [ICanSeeClearlyNow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ICanSeeClearlyNow/gifts).



> And here we have a lil thing for Bing Round One!
> 
> The prompts were comparison and garden with Genres horror and slice of life, of which my team attacked all of them because we have no hecking chill!
> 
> Beta'd by Daffs and art by the most excellent Izzyisozaki, the greatest and most dorky Bing team in town :hug3:

 

 

 

Christophe huffs a grumble into the dead air of the restaurant, the decimated remains of yet another tedious rendezvous gone wrong on the table before him. The scattered crumbs and poked-at pasta on the table are a testament to the futility of the date. Ryan had been nice, really really nice, _painfully_ nice. Which had set Christophe’s usual blue humor and flirty repartee on the back foot, and forced the date into pleasantries and dead silence.

 

Chris plucks his phone from his pocket and hastily taps out a message to his best friend and perennial spinster partner in crime, downing the last of his wine as he sends it.

 

_Me: Ciao Ciao’s tomorrow?_

_I have a story to tell that would turn you (even) grayer xox_

 

**Vitya: It's not grey it’s platinum you philistine**

**but yes I'll see you there at two?**

**Makka’s at the groomers until then**

 

_Me: Sure, see you then love!_

 

Resigned to an empty apartment and cuddles with his cat, Chris settled the bill and started planning how to horrify his best friend with his tale of woe this time.

 

* * *

 

It was a ritual of theirs, this piling of mutual sorrows over shared cheesecake and coffee, blossoming out of their lack of support from partners past. It began, as these things so often do, in a dive bar with nineties bubblegum pop playing in the background, far too happy for their morose states. They lamented their partners of the time, one Phillipe who had halitosis and no regard for Vitya’s feelings and a Karl who was just an ignorant git at the best of times and outright horrifying at the worst. They shared stories, each trying to one up the other, and finally, too drunk to care anymore they’d ended up happily dancing the night away and laughing it off with the Spice Girls cheering them on.

 

Three years later and one too many bad hangovers, they’d traded shots for sweet treats, but the subjects remained the same;: bad dates and worse relationships.

 

The bell above the door at Ciao Ciao’s tinkles brightly as Chris shoulders the stiff door open, making a beeline for the desserts; he needs his sugar fix to chase away the sour taste Nice Ryan had left in his mouth. His phone vibrates as he’s eyeing up a white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake that seems to be giving him all the right signals:

 

**Vitya: OMW and I have the best story, you’re going to love it!**

 

_Me: Love as in love, or love as in want to throttle some dude?_

 

**Vitya: Love love, I hope ^^**

 

That’s interesting, in a very ‘Vitya might have found an actual human who isn’t terrible kind of a way’. He’s caught before he can wonder further, by the barista chirping at him happily, “Hi! Welcome to Ciao Ciao’s! What can I get for you this afternoon?”

 

It’s a new server, not the Italian guy who usually serves them, so Chris places his order carefully, very aware of the ‘TRAINEE’ badge on the guys shirt. He heads over to his and Vitya’s usual spot once the guy waves him away with a bright smile, settling into the worn couch. There's no sign of Vitya so he pulls out his cell, for something to do until his whirlwind of a best friend turns up.

 

He doesn’t have to wait long. The new barista, Phichit as he introduces himself with a wave once he’s dropped the coffees and cake off, has barely made it back to the counter when Victor comes through the door and beelines for the table, his face flushed from hurrying.

 

“I’m so sorry I’m late, I got caught up, and Makka was just - and I got here as soon as I could -” He flops heavily into his customary chair, looking dazed and out of breath.

 

“Okay… Maybe coffee and then you can tell me all about it?”

 

“Yeah, yes.” Vitya nods, grasping his (frankly disgusting) hazelnut latte with both hands and sipping it daintily, “Tell me about your thing last night, Rich or something?”

 

“Oh, _Ryan_. Yes.” And very quickly they’re back on track, Vitya sympathises with him during his tale of horror, reacting in all of the right places and even valiantly defending Chris’ terrible sense of humour that even Vitya himself has told him to tone down in the past. It’s perfect and amazing and Chris is feeling bubbly and warm by the end of it, especially since Vitya is scandalised that ‘Nice Ryan’ stuck him with the bill.

 

“I can’t believe it, that’s terrible, this is the twenty-first century!” Victor splutters indignantly on his behalf. “Not only was he boring, he was a freeloader too! Better off without him.”

 

“My thoughts exactly!” Chris grumbles, earning himself a squeeze to the forearm as he digs another mouthful of cheesecake. “Anyway, enough about my terrible date - tell me what had you running late.”

 

“Oh Chris, it was the most ridiculous thing!” Vitya launches himself into the retelling of his trip to the groomers with Makkachin. The new stylist's soaking wet and terrifying adventure with Makka and the showerhead. Which had apparently consisted of Makka's sudden need to kiss every inch of said employee's face in the middle of showering. The guy - _‘Yuuri, such a nice name right?’_ \- had been a little embarrassed at his lack of dog handling skills and offered a refund and recut, Victor had apparently just swooned at any man who could have Makka so enamoured within five minutes. “But it’s not like her, Chris. She doesn’t just like people and she definitely liked Yuuri!”

 

“I think Makka isn’t the only one who might like Yuuri.”

 

“Chris no, he’s… nice.”

 

“Nice like Ryan nice? Or actually just a nice person?” Chris is a little proud that the question doesn’t come out bitterly.

 

“Just…” Victor looks into his cup, miles away for a moment. “Really nice… yeah,” he finishes a little dreamily.

 

* * *

 

And so it goes.

 

Victor and Chris meet every week in Ciao Ciao’s, bingeing on cake and Chris fills Vitya in on his horror stories. Victor, however, doesn’t share any of his own, instead he starts lamenting the state of Makka’s fur and how she needs so much grooming. Suddenly Makka seems to have problematic fluff and Chris sees the oncoming romance almost as clearly as though he’s sharing a duet of ‘Can you feel the love tonight’ with a buddy.

 

His usual partner in crime is a little too busy falling head over heels in love with Yuuri the dog groomer to come and be his singing buddy.

 

At a loss as to what he could do, he just bides his time as Vitya over-grooms the heck out of poor Makkachin - who bears the brunt of the burden Chris has to admit - and name drops Yuuri into every conversation for the next six weeks with frightening persistence.

 

When help does come, it’s from a place he least expects it.

 

He wanders into the cafe, head down, and watching the bubble on his phone indicating that Victor is typing and not noticing that he’s being sized up by a very short and very stern looking barista. “Chris, right?”

 

He tears his gaze from the screen to find Phichit frowning at him from across the counter, “Uh, yes? Did I do something wrong?”

 

“You, no. The other guy though, Victor?” Chris nods when Phichi pauses for confirmation, wondering just what on earth Victor had done to incur their barista’s wrath. “That guy needs to get his head out of his ass and ask Yuuri out already.”

 

“Excuse me?” He’s so taken aback at the abruptness of the statement that he fumbles for a moment before blurting, “You’ve been listening in on us?”

 

“Not on purpose, you guys are the least discreet people I’ve ever met - Not the point - _Anyway_ . I wasn’t eavesdropping, I accidentally overheard you guys talking about my friend, who has been subjecting me to his pining about Victor, the _‘super amazingly sweet guy with the poodle who was really nice to him on his first day and is so nice to his dog and omg he’s just so nice’_ for weeks. Sound familiar?” Phichit drops this whole tirade in a heap of exaggerated hand gestures, finishing with a peaked brow and unimpressed look at Chris that speaks volumes about his frustration.

 

“Yes. Oddly enough I have a best friend who’s being equally tortured by the lovely dog-groomer who’s amazing with his poodle. You wouldn’t happen to have any suggestions on dealing with such a thing would you?” Chris grins, and it’s mirrored back at him in crinkling grey eyes. They share a conspiratorial look that lasts perhaps a second too long, before they’re interrupted by the tinkling of the bell and Vitya hurrying into the cafe looking for all the world as though he just walked out of a dream. “Speak of the devil.” Chris winks at Phichit, but Vitya is still looking a little dazed in the doorway.

 

“I -” Victor blinks, focusing on Chris for a second and then rubbing a palm over him mouth distractedly.

 

“Vitya?” Chris shoots Phichit a frown, but the barista looks as perplexed as he feels.

 

“He - Yuuri, he - he asked me out, Chris!” Victor looks between Chris and Phichit, still radiating shock. “ _He_ asked _me_ out.”

 

“Yuuri asked you out?” Phichit squawks, eyes widening in shock for a moment before he rifles under his apron and pulls out a cellphone, darting a look at Chris as he unlocks it and hastily types out a text. It's a matter of second before the telltale buzzing of an incoming text has Phichit gasping, “Oh my god, he did!”

 

“He _asked_ me,” Vitya says faintly, not even noticing the laugh that bubbles from Chris, or the gleeful squeak Phichit makes as he angles his phone so that Chris can see the reams of emojis Phichit is bombarding his friend with.

 

* * *

 

It’s Wednesday again, and there’s a skip in Chris’ step as he shoulders the sticky door to Ciao Ciao’s open, breezing straight to the counter and earning himself a wink and ‘be right there!’ from Phichit who’s just finishing up an order at the till.

 

“Afternoon sunshine! You seem to be in good spirits!” Phichit greets him, already pulling out the nearest cheesecake.

 

“I am actually, I had a very excellent date this week!” Chris beams and Phichit stops in his tracks for a second.

 

“ _You_ had a _good_ date? What year is it?”

 

“Oh shut up, it’s not beyond the realm of possibility that someone can actually keep up with me you know!”

 

“Oh, of course not!” Phichit grins cheekily. “And I hear good things about our little lovebirds too, if you care to know.”

 

“Nu-uh. No spoilers!” Chris singsongs, earning an eye-roll and a long-suffering sigh from Phichit.

 

“Fine, I’ll leave you to your mothers’ meeting. Go on, I’ll bring these right over for you.”

 

Chris manages to minimise his pout into a huff of annoyance as he grabs his and Victor’s usual table, flopping onto the cushions and barely making a move to his cell before Victor himself sweeps into the cafe with an air of a man who’s walking on air.

 

“Chris!” he calls, earning a frown from the single other patron but Victor doesn’t notice. He hurries over to the table not bothering to take his usual seat but dropping onto the opposite end of the couch and pulling a throw pillow into his lap to hug to his chest.

 

“So… the date went well then?”

 

“Chris it was… I can’t -” He buries his face in the poor pillow and makes the kind of noise that has Phichit giving him an unimpressed look as he walks their order over. “It was just so _perfect_ . We took Makka for a walk in the leisure gardens and he’s just so good with her and then we held hands and it was so amazing I think I _died_.”

 

“If you’d died you’d be less noisy,” Phichit mutters, pulling a snort from Chris and a hurried apology from Vitya. Phichit just gives them both a fond look and heads back to the counter, shaking his head as Vitya undoes his apology by immediately taking up the string of his tale again and gushing about how soft Yuuri’s hands are.

 

“It must be all of the shampooing or maybe he’s just so kind it radiates from his skin - I should ask!” He pulls out his phone to do _just_ that, it seems, but stops short when he sees his screen.

 

“We walked through the gardens and it was so beautiful… Chris.” He turns the screen to show the image newly replacing the usual snaps of Makka that change on a daily basis. It’s dusk and the light of the setting sun has painted Victor and Makka in golden shades, crouching beside Makka with Vitya’s arm around his shoulder is a dark haired guy who’s not even looking at the camera. Yuuri is smiling brightly at Victor, just as Vitya is smiling at him. It’s the kind of picture that should be framed on a wall, Chris thinks as Victor looks at it as though it might disappear at any second. “He’s so… nice.”

 

 

“You _deserve_ nice.”

 

“I do, you’re right. And so do _you_.” Victor gives him a smile that is so bright Chris feels it in his chest when he returns it, a bubbling happiness that threatens to overspill with its joy.

 

“Yeah, about that…”

 

“Oh, do I need to find a crowbar?” Victor gives him his best ‘forbidding best friend’ look for emphasis.

 

“No, maybe just a reservation for four at a restaurant of your choice?” Chris shrugs, ignoring the tiny thrill of nerves even offering the suggestion sets off. Victor freezes and stares at him for a second.

 

“A reservation?”

 

“Yes, a reservation,” Chris agrees carefully.

 

“For four.” Victor is still looking at him like he’s grown an extra head, Chris just smiles and shrugs again.

 

“That tends to be the done thing for double dates, dear.”

 

“You want us to go on a double date.”

 

“Unless you don’t want me to meet your Yuuri?”

 

“My Yuuri.” Vitya sighs dreamily, lost in a daydream for an immeasurable moment before he straightens and finally unlocks his phone. “Okay - so, double date. What do you even _do_ on a double date?”

 

“How would we know? We usually can barely make it past a _first_ date!”

 

“Oh my god, yeah. So just… wing it I guess?” Vitya gives him a look that’s equal parts worried and confused, shrugging helplessly.

 

“Darling” - Chris throws an arm around Victors shoulder and squeezes him happily - “When are we ever _not_ winging it?”


End file.
